Scripture

I've always been a woman of faith

I've always been a woman of faith
eyes cast downward
looking for scraps of Scripture on the ground
finding all the Commandments to remember.
I saw it written
that a man who looks at a woman with lust 
should remove both his eyes.
Far better to enter the kingdom of heaven
and be unable to see
than to watch yourself burn
to nothing.

But they don't remove their eyes, do they? They don't.
I never saw them try
though that's all I do.
I try hard enough to loathe myself
because only shame makes me feel I'm doing right.

I've always been a woman of faith
eyes cast downward
hiding from disapproval up above.
I saw it written 
that a man should never lie with another.

But what does that mean for me and for my sisters?
Lord knows I've been wrong before.
I've spoken ill of my best friend
and I shouldn't have
and it's stupid and nonsensical and a betrayal
because what I want is to lie with her on leaves of grass
drinking warm white wine
listening to Franki Valli and the Beatles.
When I'm afraid
she's the one who holds me tightly in her arms
who runs her hand through my hair 
and tells me to take deep, cleansing breaths
and this is how I thank her.

I think I'm such a bitch.

And what am I to do with any of this?
How does a woman live
when half the world tells her to be with a million men
happily or unhappily
and the other half tells her to sew her eyes and legs shut.
Neither way is she happy
the music of the soul
never plays the notes it’s told.

I seem good
they tell me I'm good.
But is it worth it
and am I happy...